The internet fucking sucks right now. There's been a complete breakdown of communication over the internet. We post our feelings and best case scenario, number goes up. Worst case, we get nothing. There's nothing but silence on the other end.

They all want to shove shit in our face to keep us "engaged." To keep us scrolling and scrolling through nothing, all so they can stick ads in between everything so they can make money.

But what can we even do at this point? I sure as shit don't know. I don't know if there's a sure-fire way to bring about any sort of meaningful change. The only thing I know is that I need to get away from those places, for my own mental health if nothing else.

I can only speak for myself, but I know others can relate on some level. When I'm not doing anything else, I'm on Twitter. I'm checking to see if anyone I care about has posted anything. I'm checking the explore tab to see if anything has happened in the world. I'm checking my secondary porn twitter to see if any new art has been posted. I'm not engaging with any of it. I'm hitting like on every single one of my friends' posts but I'm not talking to them. It's just a rote response at this point to say "Hey I saw this." Why the fuck would they care if I saw it? My friend can post his funny joke about BlazBlue and my other friend can post about how they're depressed and feeling useless and struggling to make it to the end of the day and I hit that little heart saying, in twitter's own terminology, that I liked the post. Yeah, I liked that joke. Yeah, I like that you're teetering on the edge of complete emotional collapse. Are you happy, twitter? Did I make you money when I scrolled past and blocked the ad for OilCorp and their fund for displaced seals or whatever the fuck?

Really hitting my stride as a 14 year old emo on deviantArt

It's killing me. Truly, it's killing me. I downloaded the entire Sonic the Hedgehog comics collection because I love Sonic and really want to read those comics that so many people over the years have connected with and enjoyed. I downloaded a bunch of Dreamcast games because I want to explore these experiences friends of mine have grown up with. I wanted to check these out in between doing dailies in Final Fantasy and in between watching my friends stream when they do. Instead I end up on twitter or some other bullshit, just scrolling. Just learning about the worst people in the world because it's apparently incredibly hard not to put some idiot's transphobic or racist or otherwise very shitty rant in front of people who are actively harmed by said rants, all so you can say "look how fucking stupid this person is." Yeah, I know they're stupid, that's why I don't follow them. Stop putting their shit in my face anyway, dipshit.

I want to say it's social media's fault. I want to say it's because of the way its taken over the internet and twisted the way we communicate and interact with the world. A million smarter, hotter, cooler people have talked about this to death, about how social media has removed nuanced discussion, pitted us against each other, formed us into masses of consciousness that clash against each other constantly so that capitalism stays on top, so that we can't stop infighting and feeling sad and feeling alone and buying and buying and whatever. I want to say it's social media's fault, but who's to say it's not mine?

Am I broken? Like yeah I'm diagnosed with adhd and unmedicated because US healthcare is beyond fucked. But still, is there something I could be doing to improve things, if not for everyone than at least for me? Probably. I'm trying to at least, with this website. Like sometimes I'll write smart things (like I wanted this initial post to be) and sometimes I'll write dumb shit from the top of my head (like this post ended up being). Sometimes people will read it, more often than not they won't. But I can say one thing: I know that if I link it to people who are close to me, who I want to truly share my inner self to, that they'll read it, and they'll talk to me about it. I won't be just throwing this into the void with the hopes that someone sees it, with the hopes that someone interacts with it. I think that will help me a lot.